Why Mormons Are So Friendly

While there are many online disagreements about what Mormons may believe, or about the true nature of Joseph Smith, one thing that even many critics of the church will not deny is that Mormons are friendly. Even the famous South Park episode “About the Mormons” couldn’t help but observe how disarmingly friendly Mormons are.

To anyone who grew up in the church, this perception is not surprising. Friendliness is ingrained in the culture and teachings of the church; in fact, you could say that it is part of the program – a deliberate and orchestrated aspect of Mormon culture.

How do we know this? Well, every Mormon that you meet today was either alive during the 1970’s or was raised and taught by someone who was. Looking at how the church back then instructed its members to deal with people should give you an idea of how methodical Mormon friendliness is. The easiest way to discover this is by looking at the church publications on the matter from that era. Accordingly, I have located a pamphlet entitled “I Need a Friend, A Friend-shipping guide for members of the church”, and I invite you to examine its contents.

You can see the full scanned pamphlet at Archive.org. I have included the text of the pamphlet as follows:

The Pamphlet

 [stextbox id=”alert” color=”3B2E25″ bgcolor=”FFF6ED” bgcolorto=”EBDFD3″ image=”null”]

I NEED A FRIEND, A FRIENDSHIPPING GUIDE FOR MEMBERS OF THE CHURCH

Published 1977 by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Printed in the United States of America Reprinted 1978

Intro

This is my commandment. That ye love one another, as I have loved you. . . .

“Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.”

John 15:12, 14

“And again, I say unto you, I give unto you a commandment, that every man, both elder, priest, teacher, and also member, go to with his might, with the labor of his hands, to prepare and accomplish the things which I have commanded.

“And let your preaching be the warning voice, every man to his neighbor, in mildness and in meekness.”

D&C 38:40-41

The Call

“Father, you are to take the lead. By working together as families, much great work can be accomplished. With your family, prayerfully select one or two families to friendship. Decide whom of your relatives or friends you will introduce to the Church. Perhaps you could plan a family home evening with them, on a night other than Monday, or participate together in any number of ways. Then, when these families show interest, arrange through your ward or branch mission leader to invite them and the missionaries into your home to share the message of the Restoration. If you will follow this simple procedure, you will bring a number of fine families into the Church.”

—President Spencer W. Kimball Sharing the Gospel through Priesthood Missionary Service (filmstrip, 1975)

Your Missionary Opportunities

Through his prophets the Lord has commanded every member of the Church to be involved in missionary work. Through Spencer W. Kimball, he has given us a plan to help us carry out this responsibility. This booklet provides suggestions on how to respond to his call.

Every member should take the initiative to prayerfully select one or two nonmembers that he and his family can friendship. In addition, nonmembers who are contacted directly by the missionaries need the help of member friends who demonstrate the effects of the gospel in their lives and support the nonmembers as they change their lives. Thus, when the missionaries begin to teach a non-member, a member will be asked to serve as a friendshipper. If you have been asked to help an investigator in this way, the suggestions in this booklet will also aid you in becoming a friend to the non-member whom you will be helping.

Although most Church members want to share the gospel with their friends, often they do not know how to begin friendshipping nonmembers, or they are timid about discussing the Church with others. The following outline suggests a process by which members can (1) catch the spirit of missionary work, (2) build their confidence, and (3) become fully involved in friendshipping and fellowshipping.

1. Catch the Spirit by Sustaining the Missionary Effort
   1. Be a model of righteousness, an example of the believers (see 1 Timothy 4:12-16; 1 Corinthians 9:14; Alma 39:11-13; and John 13:34-35).
   2. Fast and pray that the doors (both of nations and of the hearts of men) will be opened (see Alma 6:6; Mosiah 25:11; Alma 31:34-35; and D&C 109:55-57).
   3. Support and encourage the stake and full- time missionaries.
2. Build Confidence by Sharing the Gospel
   1. Prepare and encourage sons to serve full- time missions.
   2. Provide financial assistance to those missionaries who live in countries outside the United States and Canada by contributing to the general missionary fund.
   3. Share copies of the Book of Mormon with nonmembers.
   4. Share subscriptions of the Church magazines with nonmembers.
   5. Be referral conscious; ask the Golden Questions; and provide the missionaries with the names of nonmember friends.
3. Become Fully Involved by Friendshipping and Fellowshipping
   1. Prayerfully select a nonmember friend or family (or part-member family) who you feel is ready to accept the gospel.
   2. Plan friendshipping activities to interest the family in the gospel.
   3. Ask the family head whether the family would like to learn more about the Church.
   4. Continue fellowshipping those families who become members of the Church.

The rest of this pamphlet suggests ways to become fully involved and to accomplish the friendshipping and fellowshipping phase of your missionary opportunities.

Who Takes the Initiative

The head of the household should lead the family in friendshipping nonmembers. Each father is to “train his family to be a friendshipping family” (see Annual Guidelines, 1976-77: Melchizedek Priesthood, p. 2). The ward program should be organized by the ward mission leader under the direction of the bishop.

Who to Friendship

You can friendship neighbors, friends, relatives, new move-ins, newlyweds, new parents, those who have recently experienced sorrows or family problems, business associates, those providing services, or anyone you know or meet whom the Spirit directs you to friendship.

What a Friendshipper Does

1. Arrange activities at least once a month with those whom you are friendshipping. Participate in activities that interest them, such as dining at a restaurant, sharing family activities (camping, outings, barbecues, birthday parties, their home movies), attending events (neighborhood parties, athletic events, rodeos, concerts, plays, musicals), or participating in sports and recreation (fishing, golf).
2. Report your progress to your priesthood leader each month in a personal priesthood interview.
3. Invite the nonmembers into your home to be taught by the missionaries.
4. Occasionally missionaries will briefly visit you to offer assistance. Welcome them and their advice.
5. Your priesthood leader may arrange to show you the following training filmstrips: It All Started with Thad, I Need a Friend, and Sharing the Gospel.
6. Continually look for more people to friendship. If you find an interested person who lives too far away for you to friendship, obtain a referral card from your ward mission leader, fill in the information, and return it to the ward mission leader. He will forward the referral card to the full-time mission office so that missionaries can be assigned to visit that nonmember.

How to Begin

1. Pray for guidance.
2. Perform an act of service, such as taking the family a loaf of homemade bread, offering to tend the children, giving them a copy of a favorite recipe, baking them cookies or a cake, helping them with home or car repairs.
3. Invite them to a neighborhood party.
4. Take them to a school meeting.
5. Participate with them in community activities, especially when your children and theirs are involved together.
6. Participate with them in community service.
7. Help them when they are in need.
8. Visit those who are just moving in. Introduce yourself and help them move. Invite them to dinner with your family. Give them helpful information about the neighborhood and the city. Let them know that you are interested in them.

How to Develop a Better Friendship

1. Be sincere.
2. Become thoroughly acquainted by learning their names and other important things about them, being a good listener, and discussing their interests. Show interest in them, their hobbies, their work, their children.
3. Be unselfish.
4. Show brotherly love and concern for them. Meet their needs by giving them helpful service.
5. Graciously let them be of service to you when they offer.
6. Smile and be positive.

How to Introduce Nonmembers to the Church

1. Live the commandments. Nonmembers will be motivated by your good example.
2. Invite them to a special family home evening on a night other than Monday.
3. Give them a Book of Mormon.
4. Send them the Ensign, another Church magazine, or the Church News. Give them a pamphlet or book on a basic gospel subject.
5. Invite the parents, along with some member couples, to your home for a cottage meeting. Be sure the spiritual message is on a basic gospel subject.
6. Take them to a Church social, open house, or auxiliary meeting, or have your children take their children to a meeting or activity.
7. Take them to a sacrament meeting or a special investigator fireside.
8. Show them a Church film or filmstrip, such as Ancient America Speaks, Christ in America, Mans Search for Happiness, The Bible and the Book of Mormon, Meet the Mormons, or The First Vision.
9. Testify to the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ by the Spirit.

How to Start a Gospel Conversation

These approaches can also help you obtain a request for the missionaries from people that you have just met.

1. Has any member of your family ever been baptized into the Mormon church?
2. Have you ever seen a copy of the Book of Mormon?
3. Have you ever wondered whether Mormons are Christians?
4. Have you ever seen Mormon films?
5. Have you ever been in any Mormon visitors’ centers?
6. Have you ever been in a Mormon church?
7. Do you know any other Mormons?
8. Do you have a Bible?
9. Have you ever thought about what will happen to your family after this life?
10. Have you ever wondered where you were before birth?
11. Are there any religious questions that concern you?
12. If you were going to join another church, would you consider the Mormon church?
13. Do you know who Joseph Smith was?
14. Would living prophets be important today?
15. Would you be interested in an idea that would bring success to all your family members?

Overcoming Fear

Being well prepared will help you lessen the fear of approaching your nonmember friends about the gospel: “If ye are prepared ye shall not fear” (D&C 38:30). If you are motivated by a concern for them, you will find the time, and you will find the right ways to bless the lives of your nonmember friends. “Now they [the sons of Mosiah] were desirous that salvation should be declared to every creature, for they could not bear that any human soul should perish; yea, even the very thoughts that any soul should endure endless torment did cause them to quake and tremble” (Mosiah 28:3). Do not be afraid that they will be offended. Do not be discouraged if they do not respond positively. Continue to be their friend.

Inviting Your Friends to Talk with the Missionaries

1. Ask the questions as soon as you feel that the nonmember might accept the invitation.
2. Ask the Lord to help you recognize the right opportunity for inviting them to hear the missionary discussions. Follow the directions of the Spirit.
3. You might ask them whether they would like to know about the Church by saying: “Mr. Brown, we enjoy being your neighbors. Would you and your family join us in a family home evening tomorrow night at 7:00 p.m.? Two young men from our church will give a presentation on how our church began.” Be sure to give them all the details.
4. Give them a Book of Mormon, with selected scriptures marked and with your picture and testimony attached to the inside cover. Follow up later by talking about what they have read. Then ask: “Would you come to our home for a special neighborhood meeting? Bob and Louise Jones and Jim and Joan Spencer will be there. Two young men will discuss with us how the Book of Mormon was written.”
5. You might stimulate their interest by suggesting, “George and Laura, because we think so much of you, we would like to share with you our most prized possession.” If they are receptive, share your testimony with them, and discuss some basic gospel principles. Let them know how happy you are. Invite them to hear the missionary discussions.
6. Bear your testimony.

What If They Say No?

Do not be embarrassed if your friend turns down your invitation. The average convert is asked four times before he says yes. He will not dislike you anymore than you would dislike him if he courteously invited you to his home to hear his minister. If he says no, treat this response as you would if he had declined a dinner invitation: “I understand, John. Perhaps some other time.” Then continue to be his friend. Asking the question will not hurt your friendship. The Spirit will help you recognize opportunities when it is time to ask again. Do not forget that many will say yes.

Planning and Reporting Your Progress

1. Set a goal by which time you will have the nonmember family ready to hear the discussions. Plan and work toward that date to ask the golden questions. Respond positively when your priesthood leader asks you to set such a goal.
2. List the name of the family head. Be sure you know the names of all the family members and other important details. Select a way to begin friendshipping and be ready to report your progress to your priesthood leader. (Your priesthood leader may give you a Personal Priesthood Interview Planning and Report Form [PFHT0005] to help you make further plans.)
3. Report your friendshipping activities to your priesthood leader in a monthly personal priesthood interview. Fie will report to the bishop.
4. During the monthly personal priesthood interview, your priesthood leader helps you make friendshipping plans, and he receives from you a report on the success of the past month’s plans. He gives you additional training and prays with you concerning the nonmember family. Together you seek the guidance of the Lord.

During the Teaching of the Discussions by the Missionaries

1. It is important that the investigators are taught in your home.
2. Ask the missionaries in advance what you should do.
3. Let the missionaries lead the discussion. They have been called by the Lord and have been trained in their responsibilities.
4. Let the missionaries commit the investigators to hear the next discussion, pray, read, live the commandments, and be baptized.
5. Bear your testimony.
6. Be ready to meet two or three times a week while the discussions are being presented. You may need to sacrifice some of your personal activities.
7. Follow up with friendshipping visits as advised by the missionaries.
8. Avoid talking about doctrines that have not been presented in the discussions. “And of tenets thou shalt not talk, but thou shalt declare repentance and faith on the Savior, and remission of sins by baptism, and by fire, yea, even the Holy Ghost” (D&C 19:31).

After the baptism continue to be their friends.
[/stextbox]

Discussion

Flavors of friendliness

We all encounter friendly people in our day-to-day lives. If you go to a car dealership to purchase a vehicle, chances are that you will be faced with an extremely welcoming salesperson. You will probably, however, understand that his friendliness is in the context of an obvious motive – to sell you a car. This pointed cheerfulness is an expected and customary part of our commercial interactions. While the salesperson may seem interested in our lives and supportive of our decisions, we know that they are trying to gain a customer, not a friend. Both parties benefit from this arrangement – the consumer is treated well, while the vendor increases the chance of a happy customer who may bring further business in the future.

Contrastingly, outside the realm of commercial sales we interpret friendly interactions with our neighbors and peers in a different way – we assume that there is no such ulterior motive.  Genuine friendliness can be a good way for sincerely interested people to meet, interact, and form closer social bonds. Indeed, this is usually the method we all use to develop networks of close friends.

Friendliness with a hidden agenda

Friendliness when done with an undisclosed ulterior motive, however, can be seen as insincere and deceptive.

A few years ago, I received a phone call from an acquaintance whom I had not spoken to in some time. He spent some time catching me up on his family, and inquiring about mine, and I remember feeling impressed with how touching it was that he wanted to reconnect and continue to bolster our friendship. Unfortunately, after about 30 minutes his tone changed, and he moved right into a sales pitch for financial services – describing how my earnings should have the benefit of all that his multi-level-marketing financial services company could provide. The underlying motives for his initial friendliness were thus revealed, and I felt duped. I thanked him for his kindness in thinking about me and my financial health, but explained that I was uncomfortable about mixing my friendships with my business dealings. I have not heard from him since.

Friendliness as bait

The reason that friendliness is employed by salespeople is because it works. Salesmen are not the only people who know this, however. If you interview people who have escaped from some of the most dangerous coercive groups (commonly known as “destructive cults”), they will all describe how welcoming and helpful these organizations appeared on their first encounter. This outpouring and overabundance of friendliness has been termed “love bombing” by researchers who examine such groups.

In her excellent book “Recovering Agency“, author Luna Lindsey summarizes the effects of Love Bombing:

• Attracts new members
• Builds trust
• Lowers defenses
• Makes the group seem morally good
• Overcomes resistances to strange ideas, steeplearning curve, and doubts
• Establishes that member must seek approval from thegroup
• Establishes a reward: positive social feedback
• Pulls people back into the fold when they stray

I need a friend or love bomb?

Understanding that the strategy of Love Bombing exists and is used by manipulative groups of people, such as the Moonies, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and Scientologists, we may ask ourselves if what is mapped out in the “I Need a Friend” pamphlet also meets the description of Love Bombing.

Here are some interesting aspects of the method of Mormon Friendliness as outlined in the pamphlet:

Target Acquired

Members are instructed to target people in their existing social circles for conversion. Since these pre-existing friendships are previously unstained by ulterior motives, the church exploits the social network of its members to increase its numbers. Do you know why people who start selling Amway or get involved with any other multi-level-marketing scam find friends suddenly avoiding them? Because those companies exploit the social networks of their employees for potential sales contacts.

Vulnerable Targets

While encouraged to convert friends and acquaintances, members are specifically asked to target people who are vulnerable – “You can friendship…newlyweds, new parents, those who have recently experienced sorrows or family problems…”. People who have gone through such life changing events are among the most susceptible to the seemingly sympathetic attention that Love Bombing affords. Targeting such groups is a common tactic employed by destructive coercive groups.

Start with the end in mind

Members are instructed to set a time frame and date by which they will have the targeted family “ready to hear the discussions”. This means that the members set priorities based on their own assumptions, rather than allowing a natural and sincere friendship to evolve on its own course. This is not the foundation of an authentic friendship; rather, it establishes that the entire framework of the friendship is built towards a goal dictated by an external group. Every plate of cookies, every back yard barbecue and every late night discussion is simply an item on a scheduled, itemized plan to get to the goal of discussions with the missionaries in a high pressure sales environment. Deplorable.

The family that “friendships” together

Fathers are instructed to teach their children to engage in the same subversive friendliness: “Each Father is to train his family to be a friendshipping family”.

Reporting to superiors

Members are instructed to report their “friendshipping” process to church leaders. When was the last time you considered that someone who was being friendly to you might be giving regular reports to a supervisor about how your friendship was progressing? Sounds creepy doesn’t it? It is. Would you consider that person to actually be a sincere friend? Me neither.

Strategic Service

Once a target has been selected, members are instructed to begin by performing a generous “act of service, such as taking the family a loaf of homemade bread”. They are then instructed to go out of their way to come up with regular activities in which to include the targeted family. They are told to learn of any needs the family has, and assist in those areas. Imagine that you are one of those chosen neighbors, and you get a plate of cookies from a Mormon neighbor who suddenly becomes much more interested in you and your family. You get regular invitations to parties, gatherings, service projects, etc. You are flattered by their interest in becoming your friend. Then you find this pamphlet and see that they were simply following a prescribed pattern designed to entice you to join their religion. Now how do you feel? Is the friendship that you believed you had formed authentic?

Investigate the Investigator

Members are instructed to “become thoroughly acquainted” with the family, their hobbies, their work and their children. Remember that this is in the context of members regularly reporting to church leaders about the progress of the friendshipping. I doubt that such investigations were employed nefariously, but rather allowed the members and ward to design activities which would be more enticing to the targeted family.

Keep Sweet

Members are instructed to “smile and be positive” – Disney employees and cruise ship employees are also given such instructions. This is because those companies are designed to provide a positive experience for their customers. Real friendships are not commercial interactions. They include good days and bad days and a whole spectrum of emotions. The fact that this instruction to put on a “happy face” is included at all further points to the fact that “friendshipping” is a tactic aimed at enticement, rather than an invitation to sincere friendship.

Isolate

Members are instructed to invite the targeted parents to their home for a “cottage meeting” where other member couples will be in attendance as well. This means that the targeted non-member couple will be significantly outnumbered. This method of isolating the investigators is very common in the love bombing stage of coercive groups.

Persistence and high pressure

After many thoughts on how to finally invite the targeted family to church or to meet with the missionaries, the pamphlet instructs members not to lose hope if the invitation is declined. “The average convert is asked four times before he says yes”. This means that members are revisiting a subject that their “friends” have already drawn clear boundaries on. It means that the invitations to conversion-related activities are now unambiguously high pressure. If you are a Mormon and you have a friend who asks if you want to drink a beer, and you say no and explain why – what would you think of that friend if they continue to ask if you want a beer at every possible opportunity? Would that be described as high pressure? This high pressure combined with the preceding love bombing and ulterior motives and isolating paint the picture of a coercive and manipulative relationship – not a sincere friendship.

Milk before Meat is deception

When meeting with the targeted family and the missionaries, members are instructed to “avoid talking about doctrines that have not been presented in the discussions”. This is flat out deception. Anyone who joins an organization that demands as much from the lives of its members as the Mormon church does cannot ethically withhold information from potential converts. Guess what sorts of doctrines the Church does not want investigators to know about?

• Polygamy (yes it is still doctrine)
• The Second Anointing, current yet secret doctrine that even most members don’t know about.
• Temple dramatizations, oaths, and covenants (i.e. the specific wording)
• Church history of racial discrimination and white supremacy, once taught as doctrine
• Joseph Smith’s practice of polyandry. There must be a doctrinal explanation, else Joseph was an adulterer and his priesthood nullified.
• The Church’s doctrine and policies toward gay and lesbian individuals.

After the Baptism

Finally, after all the voluminous instruction on how to plan, strategize, investigate, and execute a “friendshipping” which started with a timetable for getting missionary discussions, the church gives a simple single sentence for what to do once your target has been baptised: “After the baptism continue to be their friends”.

Conclusion

“Friendship” is a noun. It describes “the state of being friends”. It is a descriptor of a relationship which exists as the result of sincere friendly interactions, and mutual respect. We all have a need for this type of connection, and such relationships are a big part of what makes life full and vibrant.You can’t force or manipulate friendship – doing so corrupts its very nature. The concepts of mutual respect and trust, which are the sine quo non of friendship, would be lacking from the start.

In this pamphlet the church turns “friendship”, the noun, into “Friendshipping” – a verb. “Friendshipping” is not a word found in any dictionary. Knowing that friendship is a universally desirable state, the church has appropriated the concept and perverted its nature so that the motives and actions of friendliness are nothing less than manipulative subterfuge. A person engaged in “Friendshipping” is not a sincere friend. They are a salesperson who is hiding that fact. To them, you are not a friend. You are a potential convert.

There are two heinous aspects to this friendshipping strategy. The first is that the church violates the boundaries of its members by exploiting their personal social networks and connections (as I have described above).

I want to be clear that the members of the church are as much victims of this heinous system as the targets are. Each of them sincerely believes that their efforts are justified because they have the truth and one and only living church and exclusive means to eternal exaltation. They follow the marching orders of the leaders because they see them as God’s representatives and so are authorized and justified in making these demands of the membership. Speaking from personal experience, most of the members would much rather not have this expectation of mixing their sincere personal friendships with proselytizing.

The second problem with this process is that this deceptive strategy of “friendshipping” is unmitigated “love bombing”, and is in effect the same method employed by many destructive groups. People who are unaware that their new Mormon “friends” are following a prescribed pattern of friendship – with the specific goal of conversion – would be dismayed and alarmed to learn the truth. They would likely reconsider the sincerity of their supposed friends.

I grew up in the era where these practices were taught from the pulpit, and there was a great deal of pressure for “every member to be a missionary”. I always felt guilty for how difficult it was for me to speak about the church to my friends and peers. I didn’t like how it sullied the relationships that I had sincerely built with people whom I valued. I wasn’t afraid of their rejection so much as I was afraid of how my insertion of proselytizing into our friendship dynamic would change it. I knew that when I made that step, it would cause them to wonder if my whole friendship with them had been a strategic attempt to convert them – whether they accepted the invitation or not.

Guess what. That strategic process is exactly what this pamphlet describes.

I knew that it was wrong. It was not what friendships were for. At least with a badge wearing, backpack toting, clean shaven missionary, you know that their goal is to convert you. You do not feel dirty when they invite you to hear a discussion, because they do not hide the fact that this is what they are about. This understanding is in complete contrast to a friendship with a Mormon neighbor who begins with “an act of service”, and proceeds to do all of the normal things that a sincere friend would do – only for you to discover later that it was all an orchestrated plan – complete with a script, a deadline, and a supervisor.

So I did what (I suspect) most Mormons did: I ignored the expectations for this type of deceptive, manipulative member missionary work. Oh sure, I felt guilty as heck about it. I felt like I just couldn’t live up to the type of Mormon that everybody else was – but then again, the missionaries didn’t seem to have their schedules booked solid with discussions generated from this strategy, so my suspicion is that most other Mormons chose the guilt over surrendering their sincere friendships to the corporate high-pressure sales tactics of the church.

There will be defenders of the church who protest that this pamphlet was printed in the 70’s, and that the church doesn’t use this type of missionary strategy anymore. I understand the need to distance the current practice of the church from something as disingenuous as this pamphlet. The difficulty is that the ideas of this pamphlet saturated the church in the last half of the 20th century. They completely shaped the culture. The people brought up with these ideas have raised their own children in the same vein. While they are not as blatantly taught nowadays, echoes of these harmful strategies can be heard in the many general conference talks that encourage every member to be a missionary.

Fortunately, the internet is quickly educating investigators and members alike. Members should feel no guilt in keeping their friendships authentic and sincere, devoid of such scheming as described above. Investigators should be aware of the concept of “love bombing”, and avoid dishonest friendships being used to compel them to sit through discussions, trust figureheads, or accept ideas without their own independent investigation.

P.S. Referenced Video

This video is referenced in the pamphlet and represents further expansion of the love bombing concept of Mormon Friendshipping.